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The Important Stuff: This formula has a strong hold that will last all day long. If your hair gets messed up throughout the day, just add a little water to reactivate the hold. It's water soluble and easily washes out in the shower. All of our pomade scents are inspired by true stories.
The Story, as told by SSG Billings: After eating MREs for nearly a week, I promised my joes some hot chow. Following a long 12-hour patrol capturing HVTs, I took my section to the chow hall. We had 10 minutes until closing time, so we hauled ass to get there. Upon entering the doorway, we were greeted by a fat career E5; you know, the kind that spends all day breathing heavy and being upset because they haven’t seen their dick since the Gulf War.
SGT Dickie-do: SSG, I can’t let you and your guys in the chow hall. You’re too dirty. You’ll have to go and change then come back. Don’t worry, there may still be some leftover plates out for you when you come back.
Me: Look motherfucker, I’m taking my guys in here to get chow, and if you’ve got a problem with it, you can take it up with my command.
I handed him the name tape from my IOTV then spit my dip out on his table. I ushered my Soldiers into the chow hall, and we loaded up our trays. As soon as I sat down, I got a call on my haj-phone to report to the TOC immediately, CSM’s orders. I inhaled half my meal and rushed my squad to the TOC where we received our new mission from our flamboyant CSM, AKA “the good idea fairy.”
CSM Fairy: Alright, troopies, here’s the deal, we need 2,000 sandbags filled up so let’s make it happen!
Me to my squad: If any of you ever repeat the word “troopies” I will butt-fuck your soul. Let’s hurry up and get this shit over with.
It was all hands on deck for the next couple of hours filling sandbags. We were never told what they were for. Most of us just assumed it was to reinforce the bunkers, build new bunkers, reinforce the TOC to keep the POGs warm, or maybe just because command hated us. Likely the latter. As soon as we finished the CSM called us all over.
CSM Fairy: Welldone guys, we got what we needed. Now I just need a handful of you stay back and to finish this up. The rest of you did a good job! Well done!
Me: What’s the task, Sergeant Major?
CSM Fairy: Well, these here HMWV’s aren’t parked straight. We’re going to use the sandbags to outline parking spots and get our truck on-line.
What I wanted to say: Nope. No, we’re not. This is fucking stupid, you’re fucking stupid, I hate you all… I’m out.
What I actually said: Roger that, Sergeant Major!
It’s been several years since my deployment and I’m still not out. My dumbass decided to re-up like the good little “troopie" that I am.
Scent Profile: The disgruntled NCO offers intricate rich notes of the SSG's knife hand and rhetorical questions that leave a lasting first impression. The body is redolent of burnt coffee from a 1980s BUNN machine. Non Judicial Punishment and a disdain for officers form the base of this luscious fragrance. Civilian Translation: The scent of glory. A masculine oud fragrance.
Barney-Style Directions:
1. Use your right index finger to scoop up fingertip amount of pomade.
2. Wipe the pomade from your finger onto your left palm.
3. Work the pomade between your palms.
4. Apply pomade to the hair on your head.
5. Comb through and style as desired or authorized.
6. Don’t be a commie.
For a stronger hold with less shine, apply to dry hair. For a bit more shine, apply to damp hair. We personally recommend applying pomade to lightly damp hair. The more you use the stronger the hold!
Ingredients: Water, Ceteareth-25, PVP, Propylene Glycol, PEG-7 Glycerol Cocoate, Polysorbate-20, Fragrance, PEG-40 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Vegetable Glycerine, DMDM Hydantoin