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        Are you a broke, limp dick, greasy haired simp that nobody respects? Are you a staff NCO who does nothing but fetch college boys coffee? Are you an LT that instinctively stands at parade rest for Corporals? Do you wish women will one day notice you? Have you ever wanted to tell someone to fuck off but lacked the testicular fortitude to do so? Whether your dream is to have a hot wife like me, grow a spine, gain confidence, or just get matched with more than thot-bots on Tinder, we have the solution for YOU...

        ... Introducing the world’s greatest oil-based pomade- BIG DICK ENERGY! We used certified organic ingredients to create the healthiest and sexiest pomade you’ll ever try! It’s sexy enough to turn any 5 into a solid 7.* We’re so confident that BDE pomade will increase your chances of finally mating that we’re including a free Combat Combover condom with your purchase.**

        Ingredients: Organic Coconut Oil, Kaolin, Organic Beeswax, Organic Argan Oil, Organic Jojoba Oil, Fragrance, Vitamin E.

        Results in a medium, pliable hold with a natural matte finish. Use a little for a natural messy look that your date will want to run their fingers through. Use generously to achieve a slick, classic, WWII Vet with a murder boner look.

        *some of you are far beyond help, but BDE pomade won’t hurt.

        **while supplies last.