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        The Story, as told by Private Debow:
        In 8th grade my friend, Greg, and I discovered marijuana. He was enamored by the combination of Black Ops Zombies and the Devil's Lettuce. It sort of became a tradition of ours to sneak myself into his room on school nights and get our green and undead cruising. Eventually zombies became lame. We then began strolling the October nightly neighborhood higher than Mary Poppins' umbrella in a hurricane.

        One evening Greg was blessed with a brilliant idea, "watch this!" he said to me as he walked up to a friendly local neighborhood door. I watched with mystified wonder as he pulled down his trousers and shat all over this poor soul's front porch and rang the doorbell. We ran to the nearby bushes and watched as this soon to be tormented creature opened the door and started screaming. Unable to contain our laughter, we bolted off without looking back. We had found our new tradition: ding-dong-ditch, poop edition.

        To prep for our evening shenanigans, I began bagging my morning poo and hiding it under the bathroom trash can. Coffee has always made me poop, so I would drink a basic bitch latte and then bag my acidic secretions shortly after. One day my sister was emptying the garbage and found my secret. I received a phone call that night from my rather excited mother asking why liquid shit had poured out of a plastic bag and onto my sissy dearest's shoes. I was able to explain the strange event as a science project I had forgotten about to see if my caca would grow fungus. This discovery in no way hindered our tradition. The show went on!

        About a week later my mother received a phone call from Greg's mommy. She explained that the police were on their way over to talk to her about my actions. My mom demanded answers, I of course pleaded oblivious innocence. When the police arrived, they explained how Greg's love interest at the time had snitched to the cops that we were going door to door. Instead of beating my sorry ass, mother had a different punishment in mind. She had me hold a sign by the local freeway that stated, "I got high and shit on my neighbors porches". I then proceeded to make the local news and radio. Sadly, the game was officially over.

        Fast forward a few years...
        Recruiter: have you ever smoked weed?
        Me: well, there was this one time-
        Recruiter: ...
        Me: Nope, never smoked weed.

        Scent Profile: PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE, GUUUURL!

        Barney-Style Directions:
        1. Use your right index finger to scoop up fingertip amount of pomade.
        2. Wipe the pomade from your finger onto your left palm.
        3. Work the pomade between your palms.
        4. Apply pomade to the hair on your head.
        5. Comb through and style as desired or authorized.
        6. Don’t be a commie.
        7. Post your hairdo on Instagram and tag us (@CombatCombover).

        For a stronger hold with less shine, apply to dry hair. For a bit more shine, apply to damp hair. We personally recommend applying pomade to lightly damp hair. The more you use the stronger the hold!

        Ingredients: Water, Ceteareth-25, PVP, Propylene Glycol, PEG-7 Glycerol Cocoate, Polysorbate-20, Fragrance, Argan Oil, PEG-40 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Vegetable Glycerine, DMDM Hydantoin

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        Zach Rosenthal

        Best pomade