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The Important Stuff: This formula has a strong hold that will last all day long. If your hair gets messed up throughout the day, just add a little water to reactivate the hold. It’s water soluble and easily washes out in the shower. All of our pomade scents are inspired by true stories.

The Story: One sunny day, SSG Flip and his besties decided to take leave and go to Las Vegas. Amongst this group was CPL Peters, the commo nerd, who just got dumped and had never been to Vegas before. It was everybody’s goal to help Peters get laid so he could move on in life and be a happy clam again. After getting shit-faced and striking out at several bars, Flip suggested he hit up an escort service. The escort, Lizzy, showed up and Peters tried to dismiss her after a few minutes of casual conversation, but that’s not how the escort business works…

Lizzy: You have to pay me before I can leave. Minimum one hour.
Peters: How much is that?
Lizzy: It’s only $300 nowadays. I used to charge $500 before I went to prison!
Peters: What the f-
Flip: You might as well take her upstairs, champ!

At this point the whole squad made their way up to the condo to witness the madness. After Peters suited up for battle, Lizzy noticed he was a little too plastered so she offered him some blow. Before anyone could stop him he powdered his face like a Little Debbie donut. He then beat his chest like a baby gorilla, ripped his rubber off, and proceeded to raw dog Lizzy the felon. The next day…

Peters: Hi, yes, I need to schedule an appointment to get tested for STDs.
Planned Parenthood: For which ones?
Peters: All of them. I’m in Vegas and just discovered hookers.
Planned Parenthood: Oh, honey, noooooo…

What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay there. Sometimes, it ends up on a jar of pomade.

Scent Profile: Cocaine and Hookers is a scrumptious fragrance that opens with top notes of low inhibitions and poor life decisions. It has a scientifically balanced middle profile of paint and JP8 in the back of your throat. The base notes reek of narcissism and BDSM. Civilian Translation: Smells a bit like actual cocaine. To quote a customer, “it smells like the taste of the drip you get after snorting a fat line.” In other words, it smells like a good fuckin’ time!

Barney-Style Directions:
1. Use your right index finger to scoop up fingertip amount of pomade.
2. Wipe the pomade from your finger onto your left palm.
3. Work the pomade between your palms.
4. Apply pomade to the hair on your head.
5. Comb through and style as desired or authorized.
6. Don’t be a commie.

For a stronger hold with less shine, apply to dry hair. For a bit more shine, apply to damp hair. We personally recommend applying pomade to lightly damp hair. The more you use the stronger the hold!

Ingredients: Water, Ceteareth-25, PVP, Propylene Glycol, PEG-7 Glycerol Cocoate, Polysorbate-20, Fragrance, PEG-40 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Vegetable Glycerine, DMDM Hydantoin